Transforming Conflict into Opportunity, by Loretta Kuhland

There are many obstacles that get in the way of success – business success, personal success. Some obstacles are easier to deal with; some we have less control over. Some we are aware of; some sneak up on us. For sure, avoiding obstacles doesn’t make them go away and doesn’t minimize their impact.

Here’s a different approach to facing obstacles - think of obstacles as opportunities.

Opportunities: to create something new, a chance to revise old processes, or a push to move forward. So, your equipment breaks down. Nuisance? Yes. Expensive? Yes. Delays? You betcha. All the downsides of this scenario are true… in the short term. But sometimes… broken equipment forces us to make a change we had been avoiding or to find different ways to achieve the same result.

One obstacle many of us avoid is conflict. Avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away. Rather, avoiding conflict has an uncanny way of multiplying into other obstacles.
Let’s talk about why we avoid conflict and some tools for transforming conflict into opportunities.

Why Do We Avoid Conflict
There are many reasons we avoid conflict - e.g.:

• Maybe you think disagreeing is disrespectful (or others do), especially with a boss or someone with more seniority or more knowledge on a subject, or with a friend
• Maybe you take challenges to your ideas personally, feel hurt, withdraw
• Maybe you don’t encourage others to disagree with you or to voice their opinions
• Maybe you rush through discussions or don’t provide the other time to digest information
• Maybe you assume you know/understand the other’s position, concerns, ideas or that you have the best idea.

 
For all these reason, you avoid the discussion and lose the opportunity to work through your ideas fully and to discuss other options, concerns, and obstacles. You also miss the opportunity to get to know the other person/the people on your team.  And, as I was reminded of when reading HBR’s Jan/Feb 2017 edition when you work in a vacuum or are so sure you are right, you might be off solving the wrong problem.
 
I have a different way of thinking about conflict. I grew up in a multi-generational Italian family, the youngest of four. Everyone told me how to do things, so I learned that there were all different options. I learned that disagreement was inevitable. I never thought that it was a conflict if there was disagreement; I knew it was often a matter of perspective, experience, or ability. And I was lucky, we were encouraged to voice our opinions, to disagree.

Okay, differences of opinion at work may not be so simple to resolve or may not be able to coexist. Sometimes you have to agree on a path forward (e.g., on a software platform) because multiple options would lead to chaos and paralysis. 

On the other hand, if you and I don’t agree, we don’t have to view it as conflict. It’s just an opportunity to see the situation or the problem or the solution from a different perspective. And, that’s a good thing. I don’t see what you see and you don’t see what I see; we have different experiences, concerns, fears, skills, knowledge, etc.  Think of the old adage: two heads are better than one. How true that is. If you have ever collaborated you know how powerful two heads working together can be.

How Do We Get from Different to Agreement

So, how do we get from different to agreement? Shhh. It’s a secret technique known to the ancients. An approach used before computers, before email, before texting. It’s called dialog. It’s a time when information is shared and discussed.
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The idea is simple, sit in a room (or get on the phone if geography is an issue, not just for convenience) and have an actual conversation where:

• Differences of opinion are welcomed
• You provide an opportunity for (ask) others to share how s/he views the situation, what is important to him/her, what are their ideas/concerns/fears, what do they recommend 
• You don’t assume you know: all the answers, the best way, what the other thinks
• You give discussion the time needed to work through other options, ideas, and concerns.

The result: all the players have given their input and are clear on the path forward
 
Language for Discussion

Here’s some simple language to use in a discussion:

• I hadn’t thought of that… tell me more
• I care about your opinion/concerns
• What do you think about…?
• What are you afraid of?
• What do you think is missing?
• What obstacles do you see?

 
What if you don’t respect the other’s opinion? All the more reason to ask for their opinion because they are sure to see the world differently and bring a perspective you don’t have. Remember, even the broken clock is right twice a day.

Ultimately, it might be your decision to make. Isn’t it best to make a decision with eyes open, with all the information available?
 
Conflict is definitely one of the obstacles we have control over. It is also an obstacle that when confronted creates opportunity - to create something new, something more complete, something multidimensional.